The first time my 14-year-old son Caedmon attempted formal zazen, it was on the back deck of my cabin looking down into the redwood trees. I rang the bell, and we sat motionless listening to the burbling spring and the caws of ravens.
5 minutes. 10 minutes. 15 minutes…
“Aaaaagh!” Caedmon cried out, collapsing into a pile. “I can’t do this!”
The first time we spontaneously meditated, we were on the slopes of Mt Shasta. That day had been a relief for me. As a kid going through a bout of depression and anxiety, my son had been withdrawn, his high spirits and easy smile in abeyance. Watching him run through the snow like a boy again brought tears to my eyes. At one point we’d sat looking down the great slope of the mountain following our breath, sitting upright.
“You see all that space, all that beauty?” I spoke. “That’s your mind. That’s you.”
We took up jogging and would sit on the headlands looking out over the ocean. I would guide his dropping more and more into his senses, feeling into the present moment. Our meditations would end with tears and divulgences of how hard it is to be a trans youth.
We held on.
Then one day Caedmon spoke up and said, “I want to join you on that retreat you’re going to do in the mountains.” I was astonished. He’d always laughed and declared, “My dad’s going off to sit on a rock,” whenever I departed for sesshin. But then he’d also observe how I’d look 10 years younger when I returned, so maybe I shouldn’t have been so surprised.
What he was proposing was strong medicine. Mountains and Rivers sesshin is unique. Rather than taking place within a Zendo where meditation begins with the ringing of the temple bell at 4:30 in the morning and ends with the pounding of the drum at 9:30 in the evening, M & R sesshin takes us wandering through the mountains in the way of the old Chinese pilgrims. Which was exactly what Caedmon needed, and he knew it. The trip leaders were consulted. Nelson gave his imprimatur after speaking with him, under the condition that my son sat every day before our departure. He would not be excused from zazen because of youth or inexperience. Continue reading “Sitting on a Rock”